Whatever mixture of chemicals / imagination I've had floating around in my head lately have been giving me very enjoyable dreams for the last 3 weeks. It's so strange in that when I lay down to sleep at night it feels like I'm embarking on some epic adventure - I truly have a season pass for slumber-land. The dreams and visions I've had as of late have given me a sense of contentment and in some cases I feel they've bombarded my with insights and revelations that I must have been oblivious to in the past. I think a few people have gotten sick of my recent about-face in mental attitude. I know one person in particular who's said they wish I would go back to being the depressed individual I was before - I find that rather mean-hearted; why would someone (especially a friend) wish that on me? Maybe every group of people needs that cynical anti-social person.. just like every group needs the crazy religious guy who eventually goes nuts and the token ethnic individual. I was tired of feeling like shit - and my outlook now is a welcomed change. I really can't put into words what some of my recent dreams have been like; alot of them have just like I've said given me some odd-insights into the direction and course of my life. All I know is when I wake up in the morning my mind feels empty and not all jumbled and confused. I have focus and a course plotted for the future.

So this week I've set myself up with a task. I need to get some sequential art done - a narrative that I can try and convey some meaning or message. I doubt the message I'm attempting to get across will be perceived as being profound or thought provoking but I just really need to get something cranked out; mainly cause my pro-status for Comicon will be up by this next year and in-order to keep it I have to have something published. It's doubtful right now that I'll even attend next year cause I'd really rather save up to go to A.P.E. instead. I haven't been to San Fran in years.. I don't think since back in '95 or some shit, not to mention it's a convention for self publishers and indie folks. There you're not competing with the big league-hitters like Marvel or Dark Horse; people that go to A.P.E. aren't looking for that their looking for the small press stuff. As of right now though I haven't got hardly a penny to my name - I'm basically working for food and soda which isn't getting me very far @ all. I'm thinking that I should just start working for cigarettes since most of my money goes towards those anyways and it's killing my bank account.

The story I'm working on right now is something I've had in my notebook for the last 4 years. When I originally thought of it I was starting my decline in production and spiral into the depressive funk that ruled my life for 4-years. I've recently gone back through some of my old sketch/note books and discovered alot of good ideas I once had that never fully manifested - rather than let all that stuff go to waste I figure I can capitalize on the positive verve I've been riding and actually see some of these ideas to fruition. I've got nothing to lose and everything to gain, yeh? I recently read an interview w/ Guy Davis (currently my FAVORITE artist working in comics) in Sketch magazine that really inspired me and gave me a bit of hope. He said alot of things that made sense which really inflamed my sensibilities; some of it I've heard before but I guess I had to hear it from someone who I really respected for it to sink in. Looking back on some of my earlier ideas I realize that there was some merit to them.. when I thought of them I was (most likely) in a better state of mind - still bi-polar - but the awful realities of the world didn't weigh so heavily on my mind back then. I was full of promise and creativity and didn't give a damn about what people thought. I've finally regained a bit of that - I don't fuckin' care what people think now in respect to my arte. It still pisses me off that my stuff doesn't look like what everyone else produces - my "style" isn't really favored in the circles I frequent and I feel many of my ideas get overlooked cause I don't command some bullshit highbrow ideals nor do I speak very eloquently. I've never taken an I.Q. test - hell I never even took the S.A.T.s when it was offered in high school but I know I'm smart enough to look both ways before I cross the street and that's more than I can say for the majority of the population. I realize I'll NEVER attain the success of my high school chum NE-YO and I'm okay with that. As long as I can produce what I like and make myself happy I'll be content to wallow in mediocrity, after all I speak for all the me·di·oc·ri·ties of the world - I'm their champion.. their patron saint.

Though one wouldn't tell by looking @ my gallery here but I have been producing quite a bit. Anything and everything 2 draw.. if an idea "pops" in my head I don't question it - I just draw it. My main drive right now is working on my Wacom tablet so I've been drawing stuff with the intention of cleaning them up and trying to colour the stuff I'm doing w/ my Wacom. The lack of a scanner is really fuckin' up my flow, though. I need to get a scanner of my own that I can work with here @ home. I have a few feelers out there right now and a friend is supposed to get back to me about a 11x17 flat-bed scanner.

I'm excited about my recent surge in production. Just trying to keep the steam building at this point.

Lately I've been putting in alot of hours working w/ my Wacom tablet. I'm no longer frustrated with it, before I just couldn't figure it out - how to make it work for me, following the cursor on the screen when I'm so used to seeing the tip of a pencil or pen on paper, the feel of the stylus and getting around the "feel" of the actual surface of the tablet itself. Well putting in the hours w/ it has paid off I think. I have my hot-keys programed into the buttons and I've became adept at moving around the image; zooming in and out and scrolling with the stylus. I'm still not as fast as some people I know - some take to it and watching them is like watching someone actually draw on paper. I find it comfortable though and use it in my lap @ an angle. I need to find some new brushes to use with it and figure out how to really use the pressure sensitivity.. there's so many ways to make it more versatile and to customize it to one's needs.

I'm in a much better state of mind as of late. After suffering through some pretty dark times w/ my mania and depression it's like I'm breathing and thinking differently and it's a welcomed change. I'm motivated again and producing more and more - feeling like I did back in '03. Yea, it's been a longtime. So now I'm trying to make up for lost time - time I never should have lost in the 1st place, but as stupid as it might sound I think maybe I had to experience something like that. I don't know if it had to go on for so long before a solid break in the clouds came on. I know eventually I'll find myself down again but hopefully it won't be fore such a long time.

It feels good to produce stuff again.

Apparently I was featured on todays "Daily Deviants"

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